It was on here a long while back, anyone have it?

(Don't) Rope The Deer
by Don Olday


I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed
it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first
step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they
congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me
when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at
the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away)
that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a
bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it
home. I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.


The cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They
were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up.
Three of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end
of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at
me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would
have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you
could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I
took a step towards it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on
the rope and received an education.


The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there
looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when
you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.


The second thing I learned is that, pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I
could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance. That
thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it
and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and
started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a
deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals.


A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk
me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up It took me a few
minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing
out of the big gash in my head. At that point I had lost my taste for
corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end
of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around
its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time,
there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I
hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.


Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various
large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think
clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared
some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I
didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I managed to get it
lined up to back in between my truck and the feeder. A little trap I had
set beforehand Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there
and started moving up so I could get my rope back.


Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would
have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised
when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of
my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a
horse, where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and
shakes its head. Almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective.


It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but
it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though
you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it
busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left
hand and pulled that rope loose.


That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer
will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet
and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are
surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a
horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the
best thing to do is try to make a loud noise, and make an aggressive move
towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you
can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery
would not work.


In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I
screamed like woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always
been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is
that the reason is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the
head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being
twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to
run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.


Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately
leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What
they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you
are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I
finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.


Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open,
I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and
felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was
bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had
protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest
place, which was the co-op.


I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell.
The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out
yelling "what happened?"


I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an
individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they
have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law
enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned
that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions
as criminal. I swear... not wanting to admit that I had done something
monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was
attacked by a deer." I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on
it. The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my
jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my
face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come
get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did.


Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to
know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing
and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe
the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the
grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started
kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane
or something. EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack
(the guy at the co-op has a big mouth).


For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw
deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their
feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around
here. I have to see these people every day, and as an outsider. A "city
folk". I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind
my back and whispering "there is the dumb-[censored] that tried to rope the
deer.


THANKS, GOD BLESS AMERICA

Don Olday

Thank You!