As some of y'all know from my previous rants, I am a disabled veteran, and for all those people that sneer at me when they see me, a youngish man (27, 28 in a few weeks) with all my limbs attached and only needing a cane every now and then, 6'6", 300 lbs! with a blue mohawk parking in a disabled parking spot. I wish they could see me right now, curled up in pain, barely able to move. My wife having to help me up the stairs, and help me take a shower. My entire body racked with pain. I don't take pain killers because they don't do much and I feel worse coming down off of them. I am trapped in a miserable prison, and that prison is my own body. This prison, this hell, is a unique one, it attacks me, at the drop of a hat, no discernible triggers it attacks me in Any muscle in my body, it locks my jaws so tight my head aches for days afterwards, it causes my tongue to spasm and shoots pain in any given direction. I don't usually tell people when I'm in pain, because it is pretty much all the time. In the past 6 years I haven't had a single day in which my pain level was below a 3 on the doctors 1-10 scale, and most days it hovers between a 5-6. The VA in all it's "wisdom" can't find a name for it, they don't know what it is or how to treat it over the past 6 years I've been tested for everything known to western medicine, I've been poked, prodded, have given gallons of blood, urine, and every other fluid I have. I hate to see those people that are worse off than me, if your in a wheelchair or have any number of debilitating issue I will give you the shirt off my back, and my last dollar if you need it, I do not now nor will I ever take away from y'all. I hate having to rely on the generosity of others, but to provide for my family and to make life bearable I have no choice. I work my tail off, I am an artist, I spend countless hours standing in front of a 2100 degree oven making glass, and then hours more in the cold shop, grinding, polishing and etching that glass. And I sell it to the best of my abilities but it only goes so far, the government won't allow me to work, but they let me go to school, so I am taking advantage of that and am using it to help add a bit more money to what they say I can live on. This is a never ending cycle, people not willing to realize that my problems are real, the wonderful government deciding my life for me, bs health care. I'm sure y'all all have heard this all before, but being in so much damn pain, I can't do much else except for lay here and rant to try and draw my mind away from the pain. This hell forces me to rely on others, my wife has to do everything for me, I have to do what the VA tells me to so that I can pay my bills, I have to search and search to find veteran/wounded warrior hunts to be able to access one of the few things that is a real working therapy for me. My service has reduced me to a beggar, begging for everything. I am ashamed to ask for anything, and twice as ashamed to ask people to let me hunt. And that of course affects my depression and anxiety, I have trouble calling people about anything, including hunting because my anxiety, I can't talk to people pion the phone that I don't know because of trust issues and the like. I have deleted these post twice because I don't want to be judged for ranting about my personal bs, but ranting to y'all, the people who can understand at least a part of these things, and y'all the people that don't know me. Haha. I feel trapped in my own body, a body that feels like it wants me to suffer, I feel trapped in my own mind, seeing people long dead, having nightmares so real I lash out in my sleep and injure my wife, I feel trapped by the government I took and oath to protect, dolling out pay like I am a useless wretch on welfare, but my benefits aren't near as good as someone on welfare! I feel trapped by my "hobbies" the things I do to take me away from this! I knew when I was forced out of the army that things wouldn't be great, I refuse to get on unemployment or any of that, what little pride I have left won't let me fall that far. If I where single I'd say screw it all live in my truck parked outside the glass studio, make glass and say screw the government. Having a family compels me to do whatever I have to do to make there lives as best I can, I take what the government gives, I live by their rules, I even ask the people generous enough to allow me to hunt to let my wife hunt as well. She hasn't taken an animal yet, but I keep trying. I want the simplest things in life, and yet more than half the people I meet treat me like a second class citizen, like I'm some crazed psycho that will snap at any minute and attack people. That isn't me, some of the yuppie hipster idiots I have to deal with in the "art world" push my buttons, so times to the point of wanting to carry around the skinny end of a fishing rod and pop them with it when the act, talk or dress like a moron. But I have self control, I'm not going to hurt people, I'm just a person that went through hell and came out the other side. I don't understand it, I want what everyone else wants, to keep my family safe and happy, to work hard and make my own way, and to do the things ths make me happy, but for some reason being a disabled veteran means that is harder than it should be. The title says it all, I fell trapped in hell. I saw a poster for PTSD awareness that sums it up, wars end but memories never do, I have those memories in my head, my dreams and I the pain that holds me prisoner.

I apologize if I sound whiny, that is not my intention, I just want to rant to people that live the same lifestyle I try to live. Thank you for putting up with me. I won't subject y'all to another rant until it gets to this extreme point again where I just need to do it.

Thanks yet again,
Ray Q. (RoadBlock)

Have you considered being of Service to others? I have found it to be incredibly therapeutic. It is hard to feel sorry for yourself when you are helping others.

Hang in there and DRIVE ON! You can do it.

Rex

You can call me anytime Ray. Do you still have my number? Come dow and go fishing with me.
Pat

Service may be the true therapy. I'm the same way 21yr retired vet 100%disabled but if you saw me you wouldn't know. But the only thing I find soothing is talking and instructing fishing which after Army was the second thing I knew how to do. Try giving glass blowing classes to folks or even better to Vets with disabilities. You will help yourself and others...Glass blowing classes are pretty popular now for girl group outtings and such. It could increase your income also! On a side note Soldiers are service type people that's why we serve. Good Luck and take an easy!

Sign me up of glass blowing classes!

Thank y'all for your replies, this post wasn't made to ask for anything or any of that, it was simply for me to let off some steam. I'm so damned tired of getting two steps up the ladder and having the rung cut from under my feet, that's life right, I'm well aware of that. But it's stuff like the va and crap such as that, it kills me. I am well aware of what some people think of me, hell some have even told me directly, I've been told that I'm using the system, that my "disabilities" are bs, I'm making it all up. I've had people at vet hunts look at me like I don't belong because one day they see me walking with a cane and the next I'm moving around just fine. I don't know what to tell you, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I'm no liar and I don't know of too many that would flat out call me that to my face.

As for y'all's ideas, they are really awesome, I'd love to teach veterans to blow glass, the problem is the cost, I'd have to charge quite a bit to be able to do it, to rent time is $50.00 an hour, minimum of 4 hours, I only rent time when I have orders, already paid for, to fill. I'm not sure if there are too many vets out there that would be able to afford that. But if there are I'd love to teach a vet to blow glass, or anyone for that matter. Ryno, if your up to it I'd love to teach you. Lol.

I am praying for you.

Color me there. I have learned the last 2.5 years of being paralyzed that there are disabilities you can see and ones you can't.

Don't know what to say, other than I understand some of what you are experiencing. Until last year, my disability was invisible. Though not to the same extreme, I've had constant pain that is just a part of living. Last December I ended up falling and tearing ligaments in both knees. After two sets of surgeries, months in casts and braces, and lots of time in a wheelchair, I am finally making some progress. There are lots of days when I feel trapped, too. The good news is that there are good days, too. You've got to be able to vent somewhere, why not here?

David

I feel for you man....I'm considerably older than you but am 100% disabled. You said you are a disabled vet...what was your service connected disability? If it's not 100% you should consider filing another claim. Also you would be eligible for SSDI. Do not feel as though you are some benefit sucking DB....you have paid the price and are entitled to it. Be careful with PTSD claims as they can remove your rights to own or bear arms.

Since the gov't won't let him work, it sounds like he's already receiving 100% disability compensation based on unemployability. If he works and earns more than the poverty level for his area he could be reduced to his schedular (actual percentage) evaluation after a year of employment.

No I'm not at 100% yet! but I do receive SSDI, and I've been told by all of case workers pretty much word for word what slow drifter said. I'm at a point where I can feel comfortable knowing that most of my bills, the really important ones, will be able to be paid on time. I make no claim to being impoverished, I know I am blessed. I just don't understand why it has to be so damned hard, I understand that there is a process to weed out he fakes, but when they have all the proof and the records it shouldn't take years, I've submitted 3 claims total so far, my last one they added two service connect injuries, rated one at 10% and one at 0% and yet it didn't raise my overall rating. If my ratings where added together separately I would be over 100%, but they use va math. Then a simply works against us, not with us and certainly not for us. Va doctors don't care, they won't do the research to figure out all of my issues, they just push pills. At one point I was taking 23 pills a day, I was 23 years old at the time. If they'd grant me a small plot of land, a decent house, 2 decent vehicles and just pay my basic bills every month they could have it all, the health "insurance" the dr appointments, all of it. But it'll never happen.

If you are getting SSDI...dump the VA docs and pick up your medicare. VA needs to get out of the medical/hospital business.

The VA uses a "whole body" system of evaluating multiple disabilities. I'll attempt to explain it, and probably fail miserably.

They start at a 100% "whole" person. A 10% disability puts you at 90% whole (10% of 100%). An additional 10% disability is only 10% of what's left (90%) or 9%, so you're at 81% whole, 19% disabled. A third 10% disability is worth 10% of 81%, or 8.1%, etc, etc. As it progresses, each additional 10% disability is worth less and less because the base number is always shrinking.

Now, if one has a single 50% disability, 50% is already gone, so a 10% disability from a 50% whole person is only worth 0.05%, (10% of 50%, or 0.1 x 0.5), and each subsequent 10% disability is, again, worth less and less because the multiplier gets smaller as it progresses.