Beauty is only skin deep, but she's got imbedded ugly.
It's so hot here that I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.
She's so fat that when she sits around the house she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE.
He couldn't find his butt with both hands and an instruction book
He avoided eye contact like a Baptist at a liquor store.
(From when I lived in Wichita Falls)This may not be the end of the world, but you can see it from here.
(From WC Fields) "Anybody that hates cats and children can't be all bad"

Hotter than a widow woman in a pepper patch!

If you are waiting on me, your backing up.

Come on, its like a dollar waiting on a dime.

Your so ugly, your Momma fed you with a sling shot.

Busier than a one legged man in an Azz kickin contest.

I may be fat, but your Ugly and I can lose weight!

I'm so cool, that when I walked across the Mojave Desert, it turned into Glacier Park!

Your teeth is Yellow, your breath is Bad, better get out of my Face before you wish you had!

No matter where you go, there you are?

It's so hot I saw two trees fighting over a dog.

She's so ugly all the toilets flush whenever she walks by a restroom.

Busier than a one legged frog on the manure pile

He's so short the ants piss on him

That's about as funny as a porcupine in a balloon factory

Wish in one hand and poop in the other, see which fills up.

Busy as a one armed paper hanger

Busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest

he is so low he looks up to a snakes belly

"Well bless his heart" is code for: What an idiot.

it sure is.......HEY, wait a minute......

My mother used to say "Boy you aint got the sense god gave a goose!". I also never hada curfew BUT I always had to be up with my father at 5 to mend fences take care of animals etc on Saturdays. I tested it one time only and got in around 4:30 and at 5 am I heard "Off your a$$ and on your feet, outta the shade and in the heat son its gonna be a long day for you!"

Slower than an old guy with ankle weights.
Slower than a week in jail.
Slower than dial-up. (ah, what great memories, I miss that sound)
Slower than stop.
Slower than erosion.
Slower than walking in mud.
Slower than an opera.

and finally, one we can ALL relate to:
Slower than Congress.

That tractor couldn't pull a greasy string out of a cat's arse...

Slicker than a snotty door knob

I just barely do like that

I wish I could buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong

Don't let anything stop you 'cept fear and common sense

I may be slow but you're dumb

That thing is faster than bad meat through an old lady!

F#@!@d up like a chicken wire canoe

If beauty's only skin deep somebody needs to skin that gal.

That makes about as much sense as a soup sandwich

That kid's as screwed up as a left handed football bat

I thought of one more: "He's poorer than Jobes Turkey."

Boy your Barking up the wrong tree.

Beauty is only skin deep....But ugly goes to the bone!!!

So ugly she could make a train jump the track..

So country that her breath smelled like cord wood!

Lived so far out in the country that every evening the sun would knock a brick off the chimney.

Looks like they climbed a tree to get an ugly stick....and the whole tree came down on em.

Hold her Vern she smells alalfa!

Nuttin like a corn fed country girl!

Dumber than a sack of dog S**t!

So drunk he couldn't hit a bull in the azz with a bass fiddle!

So drunk that his stumbler is broke.

When it comes to boobies... im a sucker!!!!!!!

Hard!!! hell boy third grade was hard... now get yer butt to work!

So dumb he could mess up a mustard sammich!

Just a few from where i come from.

Slicker-en owl sh#$
S&*ts more than a pet coon
best thing you can do is leave me the f%&* alone
Don't bother that boy he might tell you the truth
hold my beer and watch this.
don't say oops i know what i mean when I sat oops.
hit him again before he gets up.
ducks on a june bug and flys on sh%&
like pissin up a rope
attitude adjustments are free you don't have to ask for it
I'll stay here, sounds like work

whoooop....I've heard most of those, but THAT is some funny ..you know what.

stouter than Aunt Hattie's breath.
Harder than a Cadillac axle.
Goofier than a runover dog.
Legs so long, she could f@#t in a Martin box.
So ugly you could stop an eight day clock.

Caint couldnt sh$$ and died of constipation .

From my dad-
* I don't know him from Adam
* worthless as t!t$ on a boar hog
From my paw paw

* off your a$$ and on you're feet. Out the shade and in the heat.
* K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Stupid
From my boss
* boy, you could f#@& up a wet dream
* yall are like a couple of monkeys trying to f#@& a football/doorknob

Hotter than a well digger's butthole.
Hotter than 2 squirrels screwin' in a wool sock in August.

If I tell you a pissant can pull a Peterbuilt you better hook it up.

your so ugly,we have to hang a porkchop around your neck to get the puppys to play with you.

I could walk a mile if you'd carrie me back.