Some old country sayings.......

I don't play—I quit school ’cause of recess.

I was so nervous I didn't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.

She was battin' her eyes like a toad in a hailstorm.

You walk slower then turtles in molasses screwing.

His pants were so tight if he'd a farted it'd blow his boots off.

Well, I'd smack the fire out of 'em if they acted that way around me.

That's worthless as chicken crap on the pump handle.

It's hotter than a billygoat with a blowtorch.

Heavier than a dead preacher.

Ain't gotta pot to piss in let alone a window to throw it out.

I'm up to my [censored] in alligators.

He didn't know who's weeds he was pissing in.

Funnier than a retard eatin hotwings.

That's so hard to do it'd be like trying to put butter up a wildcat's [censored] with a hot poker!

She has two speeds. Slow and stop.

That boy is so ugly he couldn't get laid in a whore house with a fist full of hundreds.

That girl is like a doornob...everyone gets a turn.

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust if it wasn't for women our peckers would rust.

He looks greener than gourd guts.

I'd fight tigers in the dark with a switch for her.

I'd rather stare directly at the sun with binoculars than ...

He's the biggest liar who ever crapped behind shoeleather.

He'd bitch if you hung him with a new rope.

He's as nellie as pink ink.

That smells like the outhouse door of a shrimp boat.

It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.

That would gag the buzzards off a gut wagon...
Nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs...
Older than dirt...

Heard this one on LIZARD LICK TOWING:
That boy is nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival.

It smelled as bad as Osama's cave.

Hit him so hard made him piss like a puppy

this just in:
"he's nuttier than a squirrel turd"

"Fruitier than a fruitcake."

"Bless his heart, he was hit with an ugly stick."

"I couldn't trust em as far as I could throw em."

"When I say git you better git or I'll knock the tar outta ya!"

"What happen? You got up on the wrong side of bed?"

Two of my old favorite's

It's colder than a welldiggers arse

That stuff would gag a maggot

Shaking like a dog trying to sh** a peach seed.
Shining like a diamond in a goats [censored].
Like trying to put a tube sock on a rooster.
Nervous as a whore in church.

Don't know come here from sic'em

Keep em comin -- some of these are
'finer than frogs hair'
though some are
'about as funny as a submarine with screen doors'

My dads 2 favorite sayings

He ain't got enough sense to pour pizz out of a boot if the instructions are written on the bottom

Don't let your alligator mouth overload your spring frog behind

I'm happier than a puppy with two peckers.

"I outa go over there".... )reply) Yeah, otters outta hump beavers, but they don't.

Git outta the way and let me do it... you're just like a cub bear playin with his - - - - .

You look like you've been tryin to wash a bob cat with a wire brush, in a 5 gal bucket of gasoline.

For something thats hard-

Like running a wet noodle up a widcats azz

he's as useless as mudflaps on a turtle.

If he had another brain he'd be completely lonely

That went over like a fart during church service.

Busier than a one legged man in a butt-kickin contest.

"honey child"

"thats about as f-ed up as a bucket of one eyed minners"

"You're making more noise that a bell clapper is a gooses azz"

I'm serious as a heart attack!

That went over like a turd in a punch bowl.

She's smart as a whip.

I have heard my uncles say these.

Thats slicker than a peeled onion.

My eye(sp) teeth got in front of my tongue and I couldn't see what I was saying.

That dirty old dish rag.

I'm so confused I don't know whether I found a rope or lost my horse......!

If someones ugly: "They look like they were spoon fed with a sling shot......bless their heart"

That boy could screw up a ball bearing.

Some women can't help being ugly but they could stay home!

I feel like I've been shot at and missed and sh*t at and hit.

Ever know anyone dumb as a stump?
Blind as a bat?
Big as a barn?
Cute as a bug?
Wild as a March hair?

I may not be able to break you from staying stupid crap, but I'll make sure you flinch every time you do.

Some things never end,like wiping your arse on a wagon wheel.

What’s Up, Slick?


That’s slicker than greased goose "crap".

That’s slicker than snot on a doorknob.

Slick as snot on a goat’s glass eye.

This old truck wouldn’t pull a slick stick out of a lard bucket.

Slicker than otter snot.

As slick as cat crap on linoleum.

Slicker than a harpooned hippo on a bananna tree.

That's slicker than snot and smashed bananas.

Just a few from my youth...

Don't worry about the mule just load the wagon.
That dog won't hunt.
If you have to ask you can't afford it.
Thats as useless as ti@$ on a boar hog.
That cow ain't gonna milk herself.
When piggs fly.
I will knock you into next week.
He has enough money to burn a wet mule.
Can't never could.

Richer that 4 foot up a bulls azz!

His breath smells like he ate the butthole out of a skunk.

Tighter than a frogs puddie. And thats water tight.

Dumber than a sack of hammers.

You kids could tear up a lead ball in a rubber room.

That would go over like a fart in a space suit.

That would go over like a lead balloon.

He couldnt find his azz with both hands.

He couldnt find his azz with a garden rake.

Boy you could tear up an anvil with a rubber hammer!
Don't let your alligator mouth overload your canariy azz!

That boy could tear up a crowbar.

Barking up the wrong tree.

My wife's grandfather's favorite saying.

"As ugly as homemade soap."

Don't worry too much about it. Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag.

That boy is about as sharp as a cue ball.

You couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.

I bowed up like a Halloween Cat.

He's ridin' a gravy train on biscuit wheels.

Ain't no point in beatin' a dead horse.

I buy you books and a mule and send you to school. What do you do, but stand on the books and screw the mule.

It might not make a terd, but it's bound to push one out.

Grinnin like a possum eating [censored].

"Purdy as a June Bug"

"What burr is under your saddle?"

"Well I'll just put a bee in her bonnet."

"Hotter than the 4th of July"

Boy Howdy- you are growing like a tumbleweed, gonna have to put a rock on ya"

You're getting too big for your britches"

That's greatness!!

He's sharper than a rat turd and they're sharp on both ends.

If you're lookin for sympathy, its in the dictionary between $hit and syphilis.

My sister is soooooo ugly, we had to tie a pork chop around her
neck to get the dogs to play her.

She's purtier than a mess of fried catfish.

Hornier than a two peckered billy goat.

Her arse was so big, it looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking place.

Busier than a cat covering up crap on a concrete floor.

She could screw the horns off a billy goat.

I've been to Main ,Spain , Spokane two county fairs ,a taffy pull and a
goat f:;;
and I ain't never seen nothing like that !!

It's hotter than two rats scr;;;;; in a wool sock in July !

see-bees funny as a submarine with screen door's

My grandmother was a kind, sweet woman and as country as they come. If you managed to irritate her you might hear the following;

"Welllll kiss my old rusty and bark at the hole."

at the dinner table...."thankee for the light bread."

He's got an alligator mouth and a hummingbird a$$

Yeah and if frogs carried .45's snakes wouldn't jack with em either!

That makes about as much sence as wiping before you poop!

Beauty is only skin deep, but she's got imbedded ugly.
It's so hot here that I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.
She's so fat that when she sits around the house she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE.
He couldn't find his butt with both hands and an instruction book
He avoided eye contact like a Baptist at a liquor store.
(From when I lived in Wichita Falls)This may not be the end of the world, but you can see it from here.
(From WC Fields) "Anybody that hates cats and children can't be all bad"

Hotter than a widow woman in a pepper patch!

If you are waiting on me, your backing up.

Come on, its like a dollar waiting on a dime.

Your so ugly, your Momma fed you with a sling shot.

Busier than a one legged man in an Azz kickin contest.

I may be fat, but your Ugly and I can lose weight!

I'm so cool, that when I walked across the Mojave Desert, it turned into Glacier Park!

Your teeth is Yellow, your breath is Bad, better get out of my Face before you wish you had!

No matter where you go, there you are?

It's so hot I saw two trees fighting over a dog.

She's so ugly all the toilets flush whenever she walks by a restroom.

Busier than a one legged frog on the manure pile

He's so short the ants piss on him

That's about as funny as a porcupine in a balloon factory

Wish in one hand and poop in the other, see which fills up.

Busy as a one armed paper hanger

Busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest

he is so low he looks up to a snakes belly

"Well bless his heart" is code for: What an idiot.

it sure is.......HEY, wait a minute......

My mother used to say "Boy you aint got the sense god gave a goose!". I also never hada curfew BUT I always had to be up with my father at 5 to mend fences take care of animals etc on Saturdays. I tested it one time only and got in around 4:30 and at 5 am I heard "Off your a$$ and on your feet, outta the shade and in the heat son its gonna be a long day for you!"

Slower than an old guy with ankle weights.
Slower than a week in jail.
Slower than dial-up. (ah, what great memories, I miss that sound)
Slower than stop.
Slower than erosion.
Slower than walking in mud.
Slower than an opera.

and finally, one we can ALL relate to:
Slower than Congress.

That tractor couldn't pull a greasy string out of a cat's arse...

Slicker than a snotty door knob

I just barely do like that

I wish I could buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong

Don't let anything stop you 'cept fear and common sense

I may be slow but you're dumb

That thing is faster than bad meat through an old lady!

F#@!@d up like a chicken wire canoe

If beauty's only skin deep somebody needs to skin that gal.

That makes about as much sense as a soup sandwich

That kid's as screwed up as a left handed football bat

I thought of one more: "He's poorer than Jobes Turkey."

Boy your Barking up the wrong tree.

Beauty is only skin deep....But ugly goes to the bone!!!

So ugly she could make a train jump the track..

So country that her breath smelled like cord wood!

Lived so far out in the country that every evening the sun would knock a brick off the chimney.

Looks like they climbed a tree to get an ugly stick....and the whole tree came down on em.

Hold her Vern she smells alalfa!

Nuttin like a corn fed country girl!

Dumber than a sack of dog S**t!

So drunk he couldn't hit a bull in the azz with a bass fiddle!

So drunk that his stumbler is broke.

When it comes to boobies... im a sucker!!!!!!!

Hard!!! hell boy third grade was hard... now get yer butt to work!

So dumb he could mess up a mustard sammich!

Just a few from where i come from.

Slicker-en owl sh#$
S&*ts more than a pet coon
best thing you can do is leave me the f%&* alone
Don't bother that boy he might tell you the truth
hold my beer and watch this.
don't say oops i know what i mean when I sat oops.
hit him again before he gets up.
ducks on a june bug and flys on sh%&
like pissin up a rope
attitude adjustments are free you don't have to ask for it
I'll stay here, sounds like work

whoooop....I've heard most of those, but THAT is some funny ..you know what.

stouter than Aunt Hattie's breath.
Harder than a Cadillac axle.
Goofier than a runover dog.
Legs so long, she could f@#t in a Martin box.
So ugly you could stop an eight day clock.

Caint couldnt sh$$ and died of constipation .

From my dad-
* I don't know him from Adam
* worthless as t!t$ on a boar hog
From my paw paw

* off your a$$ and on you're feet. Out the shade and in the heat.
* K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Stupid
From my boss
* boy, you could f#@& up a wet dream
* yall are like a couple of monkeys trying to f#@& a football/doorknob

Hotter than a well digger's butthole.
Hotter than 2 squirrels screwin' in a wool sock in August.

If I tell you a pissant can pull a Peterbuilt you better hook it up.

your so ugly,we have to hang a porkchop around your neck to get the puppys to play with you.

I could walk a mile if you'd carrie me back.

(About a woman walking away)..
"Looks like two cats fighting in a tote sack"
Poor as a churchmouse
Uglier than homemade soap
Slow as Christmas
Hotter than a firecracker
"His mind is made up - don't confuse him with the facts"
The fishing's so good we have to hide behind a tree to bait the hook
This room's so small I have to go outside to change my mind
"I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken" (My favorite quote from an old boss)

His breath is so bad he could make an onion cry!

I would love to help you but I just can't fix stupid
If I tell you it's Christmas on the 4th of July hang a stocking
I'm so broke I had to j$&@ off the dog to feed the cat

Crazier than a rat in a tin shat house.

Every time you open your mouth I feel stupider.

Go ask your mother.

My Moms favorite country sayin

Just wait till I get you home boy.

Something I heard fairly often growing up;

"Boy, you could tear up a steel ball, with a rubber hammer, in a padded room."

"If your aunt had nuts she'd be your uncle!"

"That thing is hotter than a two-peckered billy goat!"

"That boy could tear up a steel ball with a rubber mallet!"

"More screwed up than a soup sandwich!"

My cousins and me were pretty wild and my grandma would say

" I'm going knock a lung out of you "
" I'm going slap the fire out of you "

My aunt would threaten to " hair lip you " I didn't know what it meant at the time but it sure scared me!!

And we were always told if we were barefoot that " y'all are going get screwworms "

Quit f*&^%ing around boy, you're pixxin' on the wheels of progress.

She's so good looking, I bet her farts smell like cupcakes.

If you was any dumber you'd be the president.

That fits like a tube sock on a rooster.

She was red on the head like the noodle on a poodle.

Shakin' like a dog trying to sh%$ a peach seed.

I'm fixin ta make you fly, boy.

I'm gonna beat your axx so hard you'll have to call the fire department to put it out.

You ever notice how mad a chicken gets if you try to put that egg back in?

Wait 'til you daddy gets home, you'll be begging me to whip you. (from my momma).

You can either take a spankin' like a man or listen to your momma bitch for the next two weeks! (dad)

A politician ain't nuthin' more than a thief with a nice suit.

Don't crap in your own back yard.

Boy, I like a challenge, but if I'd known what I was in for with you, I'da cut my nuts off before I took your momma out. (Thanks dad!)

Hot Chick = I'd smell a mile of her farts just to see where they came from.

"That boy could tear up a crowbar in the desert"

"I'm gonna hit you so hard, your grandkids are gonna have a headache"

Waking somebody up in the morning:"GET UP AND GO PISS,YOUR WORLD IS ON FIRE"

I'm so broke I cant even pay attention.

I'll bounce you so high they'll have to shoot you to keep you from starving to death.

Thicker than flies on a bulls azz
Slower than molasis in winter time

Now we're cooking with Oil!!


Your heart better belong to God cuz the rest of you belongs to me!!

"That boy is dumb as a post"

"Boy, you could screw up Christmas"

"...smaller than a tickturd"

"You're all aces today"

"Well, spank my @ss and call me Shirley"

I actually used this on on my boy recently: "Excuses are like azz holes, everybody has one and nobody wants to hear yours."

Talking about big women...
She was so big she burns diesel.
She is so big she can kick start a 747.
She is so big, she has a WIDE LOAD sign on her butt.

I'll hit you so hard your grand kids will be born dizzy.

He's so old the ocean wasn't full when he was born.

He's as useless as tits on a chicken.

From my grandmother, a kind and gentle woman most of the time, and a bit earthy the rest of the time.

"Well, you can kiss my ole Rusty and bark at the hole."

I always heard it as "Excuses are like azz holes, everybody has one and most of the time they stink"

put some hair around it so you can find it

Is a frogs a** watertight?

That'll gag low flyin buzzards

It'll draw buzzards off a gut wagon.

Couldn't find his a** if it didn't have a smell to it

Stronger than stud horse piss with the foam farted off it

So tight you couldn't drive a sixteen penny nail up his a@@ with a sledge hammer.

smell so thick you could cut it with a knife.

"Kiss my old rusty and bark at the hole!"

Still the best one on here!

Its raining like a cow peain on a flat rock.
Colder than a witches teaty.
Sweating like a hoar in church.
Purty as a Georgia peach.
Kick yore arse so high, the birds will build a nest in it before it hits the ground.
He hit me so hard, my grandkids felt it.
Knock you in the middle of next week.
Sheating in high cotton.
Got a long row to hoe.
He was so big, he looked like he had a rocking chair on his head.
She screamed like a mountain lion.
He is tighter than Dicks hatband.
Drunker than Cudar Brown.
We drank enough beer to float a battleship.
He's deader than a hammer.
Dont bogart that joint.
and Tarzans last words --- "Who greased the grapevines."
Your cruising for a bruising.
Lower than whale sh--.
Smarter than a whip.
Rougher than a cob.

Forgot one:
I wouldnt pizz in his arse if his guts were on fire.

"He's so low that the cojones on a snake would look like a couple of sky scrapers"

Crazy as a crap house rat
Sweating like a whore in church

Describing a Woman w/ a big chest- walking towards you:

"Looked like 2 hogs fighting over an apple in a Gunny Sack"

or She's soooo Ugly that she would make a "Freight train take a dirt road".

or "If your Aunt had nuts she would be your Uncle"

or "If grasshoppers had machine guns, bird's wouldn't F@*# w/ them"

or It's Hotter than "Young Love" or It's Hotter than 2 rats making love in a Wool sock!!

I'll kick your arsh so hard you will have to part your hair to crap.

Worthless as teats on a boar hog.

*Ugly as a mud fence.

*I've got to pee so bad I can taste it.

*She thinks she pizzes perfume.

*Like selling your mule to buy a plow.

*I wish he had a feather up his arse and I had his truck. Then we'd both be tickled.

Her face is as course as a peanut patty.

" Well slap the dawg and spit in the fire ! "

Thats abut as worthless as tits on a boar hog!

That looks like a gnats [censored] sowed up with a grapevine

I'm so tired last night I went to bed hungry, and went to the supper table with a hard on

Worthless as balls on a priest.

That boy could screw up a mustard sandwich

That gal fell out of the ugly tree and hit every limb on the way down

Its not very long but it sure is skinny

As much fun as playing fetch with a blind dog

Hotter than a goat peeking in the window while you and momma are doing it.

Like watching a dog chase his tail (nascar)

That dog wouldn't know what to do with that car if he caught it.

That boy is slower than wet gun powder

Its dryer than a powderhouse

Its so dry the catfish got ticks on them.

Its so hot I saw a sparrow pull a worm out of the ground and he was using a pot holder.

That gal aint got enough clothes on to cover a jack rabbitt

That gals so bucktoothed she could eat corn thru a picket fence.

That gal's as cross eyed as a bat

He would rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.

Keep your screwing around 3 creeks crossed

I am so broke if it cost a nickel to crap I would have to throw up

I feel like I have been ate by a wolf and sh-- off a cliff

I feel like I was shot at and missed and sh*t at and hit.
The fish were biting so good you had to hide behind a tree to bait your hook.
It was so hot I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.
If I known I was going to live so long, I would have taken better care of myself.
First liar never has a chance.
The early bird may get the worm, but he second rat gets the cheese.

Was digging post-holes with my Dad once and it started to rain a bit. I thought we'd knock off and go inside. He said, "Where you going? Sugar melts, salt melts, but you're ok. Turds float."

Your uglier than a sack full of arsholes!

My old man always says "That will go over like a pregenat pole vaulter"

I ain't as old as dirt, but I was standing on the bank when GOD put the water in.

I'm so hungry my belly thinks my throats been cut.

I'm hungry as a young coyote.

She looks like her face caught fire and was put out with a pitchfork.

Stick that arm over here again and you'll draw back a nub.

If your I.Q. was ten points higher you could qualify to be a rock.

The only way anybody could be more clumsy than you is if there was someone who could trip over dust.

When I was a young guy, I was deer hunting with an old cotton farmer in the texas hill country one time. The old man looked around and told me "Boy, this ground is so poor, you'd have to sit on a sack of fertilizer, just to raise a hard".

That went over about as well as a turd in the punchbowl.

She's a BUTTERFACE Got a gorgeous body BUTT ER Face
Uglier than a mud fence
Its on like Donkey Kong

"richard" was so hard a cat couldn't scratch it.

Time to call in the dogs and piss on the fire.

Heck yea I'm screwed up. Screwed up like a snake in a lawm mower.

I'm not sayin he's uptight but if you shoved a piece of coal up his a@* he'd s*^# out a diamond.

I was at a cook off one time and there was a guy pretty wasted. I asked if he was ok and he replied," I am more f'd up than a one toed "person" in flip flops!". I have never laughed so hard.

Everything that you pour over a cow's back , eventually drips off her belly!!!

Women............... Anything that can bleed for a week and not die shouldnt be messed with!!!!

When pigs fly and the fat lady sings

Busier than a 1 legged man in a butt kicking contest.

"ya'll all alright
he dont know whether he's washin or hangin out
rainin like a cow pizzin on a flat rock

its not the criminals that are going to suffer because they can and still will get guns its us law abiding gun owners that will suffer and quite frankly it is a load of [censored] thanks osama i mean obama

OOPS I THINK I WROTE THIS ON THE WRONG POST WOW I FEEL DUMB SO NOW ILL GIVEU GUYS SOME OF MY SAYINGS CURTISY OF LARRY THE CABLE GUY madder than a on legged man in a hops factory, madder than a queer with tonsilitus on valentines day and then one my dad always says to me BOY U BETTER KNOCK THAT OFF BEFORE I WHOOP THAT TATER.

That boy could screw up a one man rock fight !!!!

That boy could screw up an anvil with a rubber mallet.

Who'd a thunk it?
Hornier than a two peckered billy goat.
It'll be Katy bar the door.

That'll make a puppy pull a freight train.

Have you been this stupid all your life or has it been a gradual slide?

When I was a kid, my Dad had a saying. He would ask me a question that I was not sure about and I would say, "I think so. He would say, "Thinking will get you in trouble just like the little boy that thought he had to fart, he ended up in a mess." Then he would say, "That's what thinking will do for you".

That's as wrong as two fellas kissin

He couldn't organize a two-car funeral procession.

Hungrier than a one legged alligator.
Rougher than a stucco bathtub.
If I tell ya a rooster can pull a freight train, just hunt the harness.
That girls jeans look like they been painted on, (she has on Krylon Jeans)
Dumber than a dead rock.
Worthless as teats on a boar hog.
I need to go so bad I think I could stand flat footed and whiz over a 9 strand barb wire fence.

You're such a bad shot, you couldn't hit a bull in the @$$ with a scoop shovel full of rice.

You're head is so far up your @$$ you have to clear your throat to fart.

I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill half your family.

Why don't you go chase parked cars.

Boy leave me alone... Go lay down by your dish.

That'll crank start a diese engine.

So hungry my belly button is rubbing my backbone.....

"I like kickin butt and chewing bubble gum and Im all out of bubble gum!"

"My shivagitter broke"

I have not laughed this hard in a while. If Larry the Cable Guy was smart he would have all the material he would ever need right here!

It's as cold as a well digger's butt in Alaska!
He'd loose his head if it wasn't duck taped on!
He don't know his butt from a hole in the ground!

been a heckuva thread, ain't it?

shickles me titless.

Harder than a preachers "richard"
She looks like she could suck start a Harley

He's so tight he'd fart on a rock just to save the grease.

this made me laugh all day!!!! how about "he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn" don't think I saw that one on here.

You can't polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter.

Cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table

Moving slower than a herd of turtles

My late father speaking about Lyndon Johnson, "he doesn't know his a**hole from his appetite."

My dad would always say this after a bug hit the windshield
"The last thing that bug saw was his azz hole"

Or when it was really hot
“It’s hotter than a fresh f#cked fox in a forest fire”

My brother in law says: "That took guts"

Mom would point to two bugs on the windshield and ask if we knew what one said to the other.... "I bet you don't have the guts to do that again"

My dad used to ask, "You know what was the last thing that went through that bug's mind? His azz"

Boy, you do that again I'm gonna kick your but so high between your shoulder blades you will have to part your hair to fart!

My dad's driving advice (which I passed along to my own sons):
"Always expect the other guy to do something stupid"

"Well, we saved the slab"



"Take you time, but hurry every chance you get"

"That one's D.R.T." dead right there.

"He died of too many birthdays."

"It is, unless it isn't"

"Handier than a toilet lever"

"Just living the dash"


"Our drinking team has a cooking problem"

When my dad would ask me a question and I would say, "I think so", he would say, "Boy, your going to be just like that little boy that thought he had to fart. He ended up in a mess. That's what thinking will do for you".

To a tall person. Only one I know that can goose hunt with a garden rake.
Smells like a shoebox full of old folks azzholes.

im busier than a two peckered billy goat in a field full of pretty sheep.

"Well, I'll be dipped in chit..."

"He's as worthless as teats on a boar hog..."

"It's rainin' like a cow peeing on a flat rock..."

"Horny as a three-peckered billy goat..."

"Grab a root and growl..."

sweating like a whore in church

full as a tick

hungry as a hostage

hung like a well rope

sexier than socks on a chicken

F&*%^ed up as a soccer bat

finer than frog hair

harder than woodpecker lips

ain't hit a lick at a snake all day

more than one way to skin a cat

happy as a puppy with two peckers

grinning like a possum eating &$*#

knock the taste out of your mouth

colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra

if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his arse when he jumped

tore up from the floor up

She's so ugly she could make a freight train take a dirt road.
She's so ugly she could scare the hood ornament off a Mack truck.
It's so dry the cows are giving powdered milk.
It's so dry the catfish have fleas.
I'd say she was hit with an ugly stick, but I think she got hit with the whole tree.

Just because a cat is born in the oven that don't make it a biscuit.

She's so ugly ,she has to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink!

Or so ugly shed make a freight train take a dirt road!

Or Man it's colder than a witches [censored]!

Or colder than a well diggers behind!

Dumber than a coal bucket.

Happy as a tick on a fat dog.

I'll be all over you like wrinkles on a cheap suit.

I'll be all over you like stink on a wet dog.

It's colder than a brass toilet seat on the windy side of an iceberg.

Huh?

I'll come at you like a spider monkey

Just because you wear a cowboy hat, that don't make you a cowboy.
If you teach a parrot to bark, that don't make it a dog.
If you teach a liberal to salute the flag, that don't make him a patriot.
If you find a kitten in your oven, that don't make it a biscuit.

I'll spin you like the button on the outhouse door.
Drop you like a bad habit.
Give you a turdball for a hickory nut and put you on the wrong road home.

Funny as a screen door on a submarine.
Dumb as a sack of hammers.
Sharp as a bowling ball.

I'll slap a fart out of you that will whistle like a freight train.

Got a hitch in my gitalong

He's about as useless as t!tt!es on a boar hog.

I could shoot the hair off a gnat's a$$ at a hundred yards boy!

She fell from the top of an Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down before bouncing her noggin' off the root bundle.

If beauty's only skin deep, somebody needs to skin that gal....

She's so ugly that you would have to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

When someone asks an obvious affirmative question you say.... Is a Hog's ars Ham?

Does a cat have a climbing gear?

And If my Aunt had balls, she'd be my Uncle

Cold than a mother- in - law's kiss

Harder than a preachers d@&#

I read the whole thread and I didn't see these;
I'll open up a can of stompazz and pour it all over you.
And when I would say to my Dad, what fur, he would say, cat fur to make kitchen britches.

When I'd say "hey!" he would say "you better save that hay you might marry a jackass someday."

funny guy.

the sun don't shine on the same dogs arc everyday
kids are a lot like farts, kinda annoying when they're not yours
if I knew then what I know now I'd run like heck

I don't know whether to s--- or go blind so I'll just close one eye and fart.

Didn't read them all but my Dad has always said: "this is funner than stomping baby chicks"

When my dad had a personal errand to run, he would always say, "I'm going to see a man about a dog". I was always so disappointed that we didn't get a new dog.
"If a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his butt every time he jumps"
"Have a drink of this.... it's good for what ails ya"
"He avoids eye contact like a Baptist at a liquor store"
When he went to a funeral and one of the deceased family said "He was never sick a day in his life", Dad whispered, "I bet that last day was a shock"

My grandpa used to say.....
You can't get all the hogs up one tree...

I personally never saw a hog in a tree, but???

My dad would say a surprise was a fart with a ump in it

Lump

heard it: Best part of you run down your daddys leg...
Walked inta cafe, for breakfest, pretty little waitress... Asked what's your order...
Sheep hearders special... She asked what's that? A glass of water & a piece of U...

This thread twas going good till i showed up... Feel like getting the culled shoulder... guess some people can't tell a joke on HF... Good thing didn't try ta become a comedeen... My humor not worth ...
Ya'll heard old saying: A Dimond in the rough... some days, as pappy say's: i feel like a nut in a pile of squirrel poop trying ta get out... Ya'll a tough crowd...

"That girl could bite a pumpkin through a picket fence!"

These have probably already been listed but here goes nothing :
"Busier than a blind dog in a meat market"
"Just trying to make the bread and the butter come out even"
"If I tell you a mouse can pull a freight train....hitch him up"
"Quicker than a minnow can swim a dipper"
"That guy is so dumb he would need a recipe to make ice water"

If I tell you a chicken dips snuff, you can look under his wing and find the box.

Merry Christmas .

Tis an old saying were i come from... Didn't mean ta stop the thread...

I must be red neck, I'v heard and or said about 75% of this.

One I heard a year or two ago I had never heard before had to call and ask what it meant
I met a guy we talked for about a hour and he says (hey now you come back and chew the fat with me anytime) I thought he was talking about dip till I asked a family member if they had heard it before

Back home ya ask older person, how much is that ? Ya should hear: a dollar two ninth-eight...
Drive inta DQ & ask for a whirla-whip...
We had Drive-ins & if asked for ice cream, ya got a cone with 2-3 scoops, a whirla-whip came outa the machine...
Ask for glass of tea, in winter, it was served hot...
Just a few...
Ask for a coke, ya got a coke... Twas refured to as pop, or soda... & yes used the words tis, twas, & thar ...

Dad used to say....

"....that's good enough for the girls I go with.."

When talking about women.......

"that 'stuff' is so strong it'll make a piss ant pull a freight train."

If ya put that boys brains on a 4-lane high way twould be the size of a split pea...

"That boy is tougher than the lips on a woodpecker!!" Ha Ha

Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to there level and beat you with experience

He is so tall, he could go goose hunting with a rake.
Dumber than a sack full of hammers
Jackrabbits so big they could stand flat footed and f*** a shetland pony
That boy shoots so bad he couldnt hit water if he fell out of a boat, or couldnt hit a cow if it swallowed him
Nuttier than a port o jhn at a peanut festival
Sweating like a pregnant nun in confession
Crazy as a barrel of hair
Finer than frogs hair, split 3 ways
From my grandpa " Boy im gonna whoop you like a rented mule!" And " off your dead as$$ and on your dying feet, outta the shade and into the heat" " you better get it done or at least be barking at the hole come quitting time" I think that last one is some sort of coon hunting reference.

That face could stop a train.......or make time stand still.

Tall enough to stand flat footed and $hit over a five wire fence.

my mammy always told me ta wear clean under wear, as pappy say's: accidents happen, so i don't wear none...

That'll make you madder than a midget with a yo-yo...

If frogs had wings.... (they wouldnt bump their a$$ when they jump?)


..... they'd F*** birds

She's so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone.