I feel like I've been shot at and missed and sh*t at and hit.

Ever know anyone dumb as a stump?
Blind as a bat?
Big as a barn?
Cute as a bug?
Wild as a March hair?

I may not be able to break you from staying stupid crap, but I'll make sure you flinch every time you do.

Some things never end,like wiping your arse on a wagon wheel.

What’s Up, Slick?


That’s slicker than greased goose "crap".

That’s slicker than snot on a doorknob.

Slick as snot on a goat’s glass eye.

This old truck wouldn’t pull a slick stick out of a lard bucket.

Slicker than otter snot.

As slick as cat crap on linoleum.

Slicker than a harpooned hippo on a bananna tree.

That's slicker than snot and smashed bananas.

Just a few from my youth...

Don't worry about the mule just load the wagon.
That dog won't hunt.
If you have to ask you can't afford it.
Thats as useless as ti@$ on a boar hog.
That cow ain't gonna milk herself.
When piggs fly.
I will knock you into next week.
He has enough money to burn a wet mule.
Can't never could.

Richer that 4 foot up a bulls azz!

His breath smells like he ate the butthole out of a skunk.

Tighter than a frogs puddie. And thats water tight.

Dumber than a sack of hammers.

You kids could tear up a lead ball in a rubber room.

That would go over like a fart in a space suit.

That would go over like a lead balloon.

He couldnt find his azz with both hands.

He couldnt find his azz with a garden rake.

Boy you could tear up an anvil with a rubber hammer!
Don't let your alligator mouth overload your canariy azz!

That boy could tear up a crowbar.

Barking up the wrong tree.

My wife's grandfather's favorite saying.

"As ugly as homemade soap."

Don't worry too much about it. Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag.

That boy is about as sharp as a cue ball.

You couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.

I bowed up like a Halloween Cat.

He's ridin' a gravy train on biscuit wheels.

Ain't no point in beatin' a dead horse.

I buy you books and a mule and send you to school. What do you do, but stand on the books and screw the mule.

It might not make a terd, but it's bound to push one out.

Grinnin like a possum eating [censored].

"Purdy as a June Bug"

"What burr is under your saddle?"

"Well I'll just put a bee in her bonnet."

"Hotter than the 4th of July"

Boy Howdy- you are growing like a tumbleweed, gonna have to put a rock on ya"

You're getting too big for your britches"

That's greatness!!

He's sharper than a rat turd and they're sharp on both ends.

If you're lookin for sympathy, its in the dictionary between $hit and syphilis.

My sister is soooooo ugly, we had to tie a pork chop around her
neck to get the dogs to play her.

She's purtier than a mess of fried catfish.

Hornier than a two peckered billy goat.

Her arse was so big, it looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking place.

Busier than a cat covering up crap on a concrete floor.

She could screw the horns off a billy goat.

I've been to Main ,Spain , Spokane two county fairs ,a taffy pull and a
goat f:;;
and I ain't never seen nothing like that !!

It's hotter than two rats scr;;;;; in a wool sock in July !

see-bees funny as a submarine with screen door's

My grandmother was a kind, sweet woman and as country as they come. If you managed to irritate her you might hear the following;

"Welllll kiss my old rusty and bark at the hole."

at the dinner table...."thankee for the light bread."

He's got an alligator mouth and a hummingbird a$$

Yeah and if frogs carried .45's snakes wouldn't jack with em either!

That makes about as much sence as wiping before you poop!