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My Apologies...
#2199824
03/23/11 07:02 AM
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 135
RedTrail
OP
Woodsman
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OP
Woodsman
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 135 |
Hilarious story from Texag forum by Dusty_Dawg_Ag.
Victoria. I would have made it but some jerk had a rod of rebar across the isle near the restrooms. Okay, I regress, let me start this from the beginning. After posting this on the stars page, I had several requests to post this in here. So here is my story:
My wife, my 14 yr old son, and 17 yr old daughter traveled to Houston for the Livestock Show. My kids showed their chickens and we caught the Alan Jackson concert after the rodeo. Spent the night in Sugarland and being the good son that I am, we stopped in Edna to visit my mother on the return trip back to Tynan.
After a nice visit, we took my Mom out to eat at a little mexican food place in Edna that used to be a Dairy Queen. I ordered the shrimp plate special complete with a salad and baked potato; heretofor properly named and referred to as Mistake#1 for not ordering mexican food at a mexican food place.
After the meal, I stood up to pay the check and a strange yet familiar sensation presented itself from my digestive tract. I quickly made my way to the old Dairy Queen restroom located at the rear of this fine eating establishment. I checked to make sure an adequate supply of sandpaper disguised as toliet paper was nesteled on the spotless floor. I settled in on the ever so clean toliet and gave birth to an 8 lb. log that would have made any real man extremely proud. I gently wiped with the sandpaper and stood to admire "The King" which was so large it wasn't even submerged. Suddenly, the automatic flusher engaged and the water level in the toliet started rising as "The King" refused to budge (Seriously, an auto flusher at this fine establishment?). I quickly fastened my jeans and made my escape just as I heard the water overflowing onto the floor. Whew, crisis avoided, or so I thought. After washing my hands in a gallon of alcohol gel my wife keeps on standby in her purse, we said our goodbye's and we were back on the road.
As we passed the Victoria airporrt, a horrific noise and sensation erupted from deep within my bowels. My wife asked if I was okay and I replied with a quick "Yes, I'm fine" knowing the opposite to be true. I picked the speed up from 70 to 75 as I thought of the different businesses with public restrooms on this side of Victoria. I turned onto Loop 463 and then it hit me, my stomach made a complete backwards flip causing my intestines to cramp with such force that my rectum immediately pinched in the extra tight mode. My foot instinctively pressed harder upon the gas pedal with every cramp and contraction.
There it was, like a lighthouse to a ship on a stormy night, a beacon of hope in the form of a Home Depot upon my right. I exited on two wheels and parked quickly near the contractor's entrance. I jumped from the vehicle and resembled the AFLAC duck as I waddled in keeping my butt cheeks pressed firmly together. A quick scan of the interior ceiling disclosed that the restrooms were hidden on the last isle in the concrete/mortar section.
Another cramp hits like a sledgehammer to my gut. Should I stop and fight the cramp, or pick up my waddle pace? Mistake #2, waddling faster toward the last isle. I could feel the pressure building with such intensity I felt as if I would blow at any second. I rounded the corner and spotted the restrooms on my right. Faster I waddled with my eyes set squarely upon my room of certain relief.
Suddenly a man wearing a burnt orange tu sip shirt pulled a rebar rod and placed it acroos the isle at about 2 feet high. Stop and fight the wave of cramps or hurdle the rebar and hit that restroom? Mistake #3, I hurdled the rebar. As I did, the twisting action on my rectum told my colon it's time. I saw the large stall was open just as my colon answered my rectum in the affirmative.
I tried to run but had this explosion of crap spewing from my rear like a volcano erupting on National Geographic. I tried to pull my shorts down as the eruption continued. My shorts full of crap and my azz violently projecting liquid fecal matter upon the wall and commode. The eruption subsided momentarily as I assessed the situation while my azz hovered over the commode.
Molten crap upon three walls and all over the throne. I pulled my underwear and shorts off while in the hovering position. I tried to wipe the seat of the commode with my shorts but there was so much dripping crap everywhere that I felt a need to retreat into the adjoing stall. As I rounded the stall wall, another eruption occurred. This time spraying all over the floor and stall #2 just as I slid onto the seat.
The eruption continued with such force that a backsplash effect took place ensuring that my entire azz cheeks were covered with another layer of liquid sludge. I grunt and moan with every wave as a man and small boy enter the killing zone. The boy shrieked at the sight before him as his Dad yelled "No son, get back." I could hear the sound of feet running as another wave hit, this one with such force that it backsplashed out of the commode and down my legs.
Finally, the eruption subsided and I began the process of trying clean up with toilet paper. Wiping my hands as best I could, I reached for my shorts that were still in stall #1. I retrieved my cell phone to call my wife.
Now guys, I pay $270.00+ a month for 5 lines and phones with so many bells and whistles I can talk to aliens on Mars. I call the wife, no answer so I leave a voice mail. I wait about 30 seconds and try again, no answer. I text her and tell her to answer the friggin phone to no avail. Fifteen minutes of calls and no answers pass when I hear footsteps again. "Dad, are you alright?" "No son, I am quite sure I am not alright, find your mother and tell her to call me."
Five minutes pass, crap still dripping everywhere, the wife finally calls. "Honey, are you alright?" "No, I am a 48 yr old man that just crapped himself and ruined two stalls in here, does that sound like I'm alright?" "Send underwear, shorts, and alcohol gel in here with my son." Ten minutes pass and another un-suspecting man enters and quickly retreats from the killing zone.
Finally my son rescues me. He passes me the new clothes and the smallest bottle of alcohol gel ever made. I ask him for wet papertowels and begin the tedious process of trying to clean up. I pull off my Sperry's which have feces inside and out. I clean them, my legs and feet. Then my arms, and lastly my azz. I can hear my 14 yr old son trying not to giggle. I finally managed to clean myself well enough to put on the clothes and make my way carefully to the sink. The aroma was horrific as I hurriedly left the killing zone. Of course, the t-sip was no where to be found. So, again, I express my sincere apologies to the manager of the Home Depot in Victoria.
Things I forgot to say:
I am sorry to the kid/man that was the lowest on the totem pole at Home Depot, I should have left a tip or something.
The shorts my wife sent in for the rescue was a pair of elastic waisted boxer sleep shorts with Yosimite Sam graphics.
My wife actually asked if we were still going to go prom dress shopping at the mall for the 17 yr old daughter.
After getting home and taking a long hot shower and getting a good nights sleep, I feel much better. I had no more eruptions and feel several pounds lighter!
”Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: RedTrail]
#2199897
03/23/11 11:43 AM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 60,296
stxranchman
Obie Juan Kenobi
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Obie Juan Kenobi
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 60,296 |
Are idiots multiplying faster than normal people?
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: stxranchman]
#2199908
03/23/11 11:59 AM
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 4,251
pnh
Extreme Tracker
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Extreme Tracker
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 4,251 |
I'll never get the 10 minutes back that I spent reading that crap!
Character is what you do when nobody's looking.
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: pnh]
#2200064
03/23/11 01:37 PM
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 3,732
TxTechsan
Extreme Tracker
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Extreme Tracker
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 3,732 |
I'll never get the 10 minutes back that I spent reading that crap! 10 minutes???
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: TxTechsan]
#2200098
03/23/11 01:53 PM
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 4,251
pnh
Extreme Tracker
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Extreme Tracker
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 4,251 |
Character is what you do when nobody's looking.
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: RedTrail]
#2200204
03/23/11 02:42 PM
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 133
cev728
Woodsman
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Woodsman
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 133 |
Buy that Soldier a beverage !!!! 12B Sapper's led the way
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: cev728]
#2200443
03/23/11 04:49 PM
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 324
dutton1
Bird Dog
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Bird Dog
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 324 |
“Politics is the only field in which the more experience you have, the worse you get." KF
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: RedTrail]
#2200670
03/23/11 06:37 PM
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 247
BigD1836
Woodsman
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Woodsman
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 247 |
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: BigD1836]
#2200689
03/23/11 06:43 PM
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 4,275
texaspride93
Extreme Tracker
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Extreme Tracker
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 4,275 |
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: BigD1836]
#2200891
03/23/11 08:22 PM
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 133
cev728
Woodsman
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Woodsman
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 133 |
Buy that Soldier a beverage !!!! 12B Sapper's led the way
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: cev728]
#2200998
03/23/11 09:04 PM
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 247
BigD1836
Woodsman
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Woodsman
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 247 |
Nah, no issue. Just foolin around.
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: BigD1836]
#2201029
03/23/11 09:14 PM
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 41,322
BMD
Silver Spoon
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Silver Spoon
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 41,322 |
And you felt the need to tell us because.....
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: BMD]
#2201130
03/23/11 09:58 PM
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 350
Quick Shoot Again
Bird Dog
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Bird Dog
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 350 |
This would not have been so funny if I had not been in ALMOST the same situation a time or two.
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, But rather to skid in sideways, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, Screaming "WHOO HOO What A Ride"
NRA Life Member
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: Quick Shoot Again]
#2201140
03/23/11 10:07 PM
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,199
Alpha&Omega
Pro Tracker
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Pro Tracker
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,199 |
Been there, Done it.Hate it
Scito Te Ipsum
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: cev728]
#2201938
03/24/11 03:44 AM
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 1,380
redfred
Pro Tracker
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Pro Tracker
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 1,380 |
And after this experience, you can repeat the line I learned after years of being a Scoutmaster and eating camp food: THERE'S NOTHING QUITE AS SATISFYING AS A DRY FART !!!!
Alcohol,Tobacco, and Firearms. Should not be a government bureau. Should be a department store.
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: redfred]
#2202863
03/24/11 06:57 PM
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 39,610
redchevy
THF Celebrity
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THF Celebrity
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 39,610 |
Thats some funny chit right there! But you should never chance hurdling something in that situation... Seriously though, I think I have been in numerouse pulic restrooms that have had this sort of thing happen.
matt
It's hell eatin em live
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: redchevy]
#2203017
03/24/11 08:07 PM
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,488
Kory
Pro Tracker
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Pro Tracker
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,488 |
Thats the funniest [censored] I've ever read, No pun intended.
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: Kory]
#2203129
03/24/11 09:07 PM
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 1,527
ssgp2
Pro Tracker
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Pro Tracker
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 1,527 |
A friend of mine had close to the same thing happen down at CCAD (Corpus Cristy Army Depot). I still laugh about that.
Friend, I wouldn't harm thee for all the world, but thou art standing where I am about to shoot.
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Re: My Apologies...
[Re: ssgp2]
#2204057
03/25/11 09:30 AM
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 135
RedTrail
OP
Woodsman
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OP
Woodsman
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 135 |
Most of us have been deer hunting out in the boon docks to which we've eaten at the WRONG place. Where we hunt in El Dorado we have timed the travel time from our cabin to the local greasy spoon to 28 minutes. That is you have exactly 28 minutes from last bite to get to the cabin before the ACE violence will occurr.
Of course first one out of the truck gets our one and only toilet that takes about 5 minutes to back fill after a single flush.
”Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”
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