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Received in an email...RWH24

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Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A
> >> guy who
> >> purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
> >> anniversary submitted this:
> >>
> >> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
> >> Shop that
> >> sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th
> >> anniversary and I was looking for a little something
> >> extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
> >> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
> >> the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
> >> long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing
> >> her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
> >>
> >> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device
> >> and brought it home.
> >>
> >> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
> >> pushed the
> >> button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned,
> >> however, that if I
> >> pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
> >> surface at the same
> >> time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back
> >> and forth between
> >> the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to
> >> explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of
> >> her microwave.
> >>
> >> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
> >> to myself
> >> that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
> >> triple-A batteries, right?
> >>
> >> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
> >> intently
> >> (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
> >> directions and thinking
> >> that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
> >> & blood moving
> >> target.
> >>
> >> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
> >> fraction of a
> >> second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
> >> cat. But, if I was
> >> going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
> >> against a mugger,
> >> I did want some assurance that it would work as
> >> advertised. Am I wrong?
> >>
> >> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
> >> with my
> >> reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
> >> nose ,directions in one hand, and taser in another.
> >>
> >> The directions said that a one-second burst would
> >> shock and
> >> disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> >> supposed to cause
> >> muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
> >> three-second burst would purportedly make your
> >> assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
> >> Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
> >> the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this
> >> little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4
> >> inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
> >> with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to
> >> myself, 'no possible way!'
> >>
> >> What happened next is almost beyond description, but
> >> I'll do my
> >> best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
> >> with her head
> >> cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip [censored],'
> >> reasoning that a
> >> one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
> >> couldn't hurt all
> >> that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst
> >> just for heck of
> >> it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
> >> button, and .
> >> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
> >> . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
> >>
> >> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
> >> door,
> >> picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us
> >> both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I
> >> vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
> >> position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
> >> both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
> >> with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
> >> position, and tingling in my legs?
> >>
> >> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard
> >> before,
> >> clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
> >> fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting
> >> slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
> >> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
> >> with a taser,
> >> one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one
> >> second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let
> >> go of that thing until it is
> >> dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
> >> on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
> >> conservative?
> >>
> >> SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so
> >> later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
> >> at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
> >> left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
> >> reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
> >> The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet
> >> or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right
> >> thigh and both
> >> nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it
> >> had been shot up
> >> with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had
> >> no control over the drooling. Apparently I sh*t
> >> myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
> >> of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
> >> head which I believe was came from my hair. I'm still
> >> looking for my testicles and I'm offering a
> >> significant reward for their safe return!!
> >> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly
> >> threatens me with it!
> >> 'If you think Education is difficult,
> >> try being stupid.'