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Lawyers
#5132337
05/28/14 08:54 PM
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Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 834
macec3(TX)
OP
Tracker
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OP
Tracker
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 834 |
These have been around a while, but they are still funny..
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
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Re: Lawyers
[Re: macec3(TX)]
#5132931
05/29/14 02:16 AM
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 1,380
redfred
Pro Tracker
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Pro Tracker
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 1,380 |
The last line of that last scenario was, "I'm sure he was alive, still is, and is practicing law in this courtroom"
Alcohol,Tobacco, and Firearms. Should not be a government bureau. Should be a department store.
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Re: Lawyers
[Re: macec3(TX)]
#5133883
05/29/14 06:08 PM
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Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 13,530
Hunt n Fish
THF Celebrity
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THF Celebrity
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 13,530 |
Shame - Bus load of lawyers going over a cliff
Crying Shame - One empty seat
HnF
"Prayer is when you talk to the Lord, Meditation is when you listen to what he says"
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Re: Lawyers
[Re: macec3(TX)]
#5137805
06/01/14 04:34 AM
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 15,639
QuitShootinYoungBucks
THF Celebrity
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THF Celebrity
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 15,639 |
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of he ocean? A good start
What have you got if you have 100 lawyers up to their necks in quicksand? Not enough quicksand.
https://web.archive.org/web/20170223065011/http:/www.rrdvegas.com/silencer-cleaning.html
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Re: Lawyers
[Re: macec3(TX)]
#5144319
06/05/14 08:50 PM
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 418
DrPerry
Bird Dog
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Bird Dog
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 418 |
How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
I don't know.
Good!
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Re: Lawyers
[Re: macec3(TX)]
#5145275
06/06/14 03:31 PM
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 1,380
redfred
Pro Tracker
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Pro Tracker
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 1,380 |
Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Alcohol,Tobacco, and Firearms. Should not be a government bureau. Should be a department store.
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Re: Lawyers
[Re: macec3(TX)]
#5162449
06/18/14 09:46 PM
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Joined: May 2012
Posts: 8,382
nsmike
THF Trophy Hunter
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THF Trophy Hunter
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 8,382 |
As much as we joke about lawyers there are some good ones, as a matter of fact, the cemeteries are full of them.
for every stereotype there's a prototype don't be the prototype
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