texashuntingforum.com logo
Main Menu
Advertisement
Affiliates
Advertisement
Newest Members
TraeMartin, Beatixre, MooseSteed, Trappernewt, casyoo
71987 Registered Users
Top Posters(All Time)
dogcatcher 110,788
bill oxner 91,416
SnakeWrangler 65,416
stxranchman 60,296
Gravytrain 46,950
RKHarm24 44,585
rifleman 44,461
Stub 43,768
Forum Statistics
Forums46
Topics536,991
Posts9,719,212
Members86,987
Most Online25,604
Feb 12th, 2024
Print Thread
With all due respect to my Catholic friends………… #5044146 03/29/14 02:41 AM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 18,746
HuntingTexas Online Content OP
THF Celebrity
OP Online Content
THF Celebrity
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 18,746
With all due respect to my Catholic friends…………………………..


1. A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


2. Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


3. Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'


4. Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church..... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.. Maybe they'll do something for the creature..'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


5. Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'


'He will.'


6. Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'


7. Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'


8. Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


9. Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company... One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..



10. Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
11.

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
------------------------------------------------------
12. Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
13.

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
14.

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO .
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


15. Husbands are husbands


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'


" In God We Trust "



Re: With all due respect to my Catholic friends………… [Re: HuntingTexas] #5044510 03/29/14 02:51 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 29,105
T
TXHOGSLAYER Offline
THF Celebrity
Offline
THF Celebrity
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 29,105
clap




LETS GO BRANDON
Re: With all due respect to my Catholic friends………… [Re: HuntingTexas] #5045485 03/30/14 02:04 PM
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 10,097
texasag93 Offline
THF Celebrity
Offline
THF Celebrity
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 10,097
peep

Re: With all due respect to my Catholic friends………… [Re: HuntingTexas] #5049212 04/01/14 08:02 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 22,207
T
Texas Dan Online Content
THF Celebrity
Online Content
THF Celebrity
T
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 22,207
Catholics enjoy ragging on us Baptists as well, and have good reason to do so.

As a good friend who happens to be Catholic once told me, "If you're going to take a Baptist fishing, always take another Baptist with him. Otherwise, he'll drink up all your beer."


"Some people will never like you because your spirit irritates their demons."
Re: With all due respect to my Catholic friends………… [Re: HuntingTexas] #5051716 04/03/14 02:16 AM
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 3,862
T
texasdude28 Offline
Extreme Tracker
Offline
Extreme Tracker
T
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 3,862
Thanks for some good laughs.

Re: With all due respect to my Catholic friends………… [Re: HuntingTexas] #5053107 04/03/14 11:17 PM
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 5,558
S
Slow Drifter Online Content
THF Trophy Hunter
Online Content
THF Trophy Hunter
S
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 5,558
Those were good. I liked #8 about senility. I had an uncle who suddenly kept losing his car keys. He saw his doctor because he thought he was going senile. The doctor said, "You're not going senile, just getting old. Now, if you find your car keys and don't know whet they're for, then we'll talk."

Last edited by Slow Drifter; 04/03/14 11:18 PM.

"I have no idea what WW-III will be fought with, but WW-IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

A. Einstein

Re: With all due respect to my Catholic friends………… [Re: HuntingTexas] #5053631 04/04/14 02:59 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 69
K
Kimo Offline
Outdoorsman
Offline
Outdoorsman
K
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 69
#4 and #5 both made me laugh. Thanks for some great humor!

Re: With all due respect to my Catholic friends………… [Re: HuntingTexas] #5083840 04/23/14 12:10 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 209
S
Smittyb Offline
Woodsman
Offline
Woodsman
S
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 209
Lol, some good ones there.

Re: With all due respect to my Catholic friends………… [Re: Texas Dan] #5084346 04/23/14 04:42 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,269
G
GriffGruff78 Offline
Pro Tracker
Offline
Pro Tracker
G
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,269
Originally Posted By: Texas Dan
Catholics enjoy ragging on us Baptists as well, and have good reason to do so.

As a good friend who happens to be Catholic once told me, "If you're going to take a Baptist fishing, always take another Baptist with him. Otherwise, he'll drink up all your beer."


That's a good illustration of the differences between some of the world's religions. Here's what I have learned:

Jews don't recognize Jesus as the messiah, Protestants don't recognize the pope as the head of the church and Baptists don't recognize eachother in the liquor store.

Re: With all due respect to my Catholic friends………… [Re: GriffGruff78] #5084521 04/23/14 06:38 PM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 16,350
A
aeb Offline
THF Celebrity
Offline
THF Celebrity
A
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 16,350
Originally Posted By: GriffGruff78



and Baptists don't recognize eachother in the liquor store.


and the Methodist working the register calls them by their first names. grin

Been there, done that and it was an interesting job.grin


Re: With all due respect to my Catholic friends………… [Re: HuntingTexas] #5084620 04/23/14 07:57 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 39,481
R
redchevy Offline
THF Celebrity
Offline
THF Celebrity
R
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 39,481
Guess I just made too many catholic jokes... and wouldn't you know it now I'm one of em...


It's hell eatin em live
Re: With all due respect to my Catholic friends………… [Re: HuntingTexas] #5091790 04/28/14 08:05 PM
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 1,850
M
Merican Duck Hunter Offline
Pro Tracker
Offline
Pro Tracker
M
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 1,850
roflmao


Arise.Kill.Eat -Acts 10:13
Originally Posted by Nathan Nelson
I have read a bunch of stuff on the internet about Star Wars but that does not mean I can skin a deer with a light saber.
Re: With all due respect to my Catholic friends………… [Re: HuntingTexas] #5113454 05/14/14 09:00 PM
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 197
N
Niko Offline
Woodsman
Offline
Woodsman
N
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 197
cheers


GOD has all the answers to your questions. It's your choice to follow his path or create your own.

May GOD Bless you all
Previous Thread
Index
Next Thread

© 2004-2024 OUTDOOR SITES NETWORK all rights reserved USA and Worldwide
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.3