I don't play—I quit school ’cause of recess.

I was so nervous I didn't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.

She was battin' her eyes like a toad in a hailstorm.

You walk slower then turtles in molasses screwing.

His pants were so tight if he'd a farted it'd blow his boots off.

Well, I'd smack the fire out of 'em if they acted that way around me.

That's worthless as chicken crap on the pump handle.

It's hotter than a billygoat with a blowtorch.

Heavier than a dead preacher.

Ain't gotta pot to piss in let alone a window to throw it out.

I'm up to my [censored] in alligators.

He didn't know who's weeds he was pissing in.

Funnier than a retard eatin hotwings.

That's so hard to do it'd be like trying to put butter up a wildcat's [censored] with a hot poker!

She has two speeds. Slow and stop.

That boy is so ugly he couldn't get laid in a whore house with a fist full of hundreds.

That girl is like a doornob...everyone gets a turn.

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust if it wasn't for women our peckers would rust.

He looks greener than gourd guts.

I'd fight tigers in the dark with a switch for her.

I'd rather stare directly at the sun with binoculars than ...

He's the biggest liar who ever crapped behind shoeleather.

He'd bitch if you hung him with a new rope.

He's as nellie as pink ink.

That smells like the outhouse door of a shrimp boat.

It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.

That would gag the buzzards off a gut wagon...
Nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs...
Older than dirt...

Heard this one on LIZARD LICK TOWING:
That boy is nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival.

It smelled as bad as Osama's cave.

Hit him so hard made him piss like a puppy

this just in:
"he's nuttier than a squirrel turd"

"Fruitier than a fruitcake."

"Bless his heart, he was hit with an ugly stick."

"I couldn't trust em as far as I could throw em."

"When I say git you better git or I'll knock the tar outta ya!"

"What happen? You got up on the wrong side of bed?"

Two of my old favorite's

It's colder than a welldiggers arse

That stuff would gag a maggot

Shaking like a dog trying to sh** a peach seed.
Shining like a diamond in a goats [censored].
Like trying to put a tube sock on a rooster.
Nervous as a whore in church.

Don't know come here from sic'em

Keep em comin -- some of these are
'finer than frogs hair'
though some are
'about as funny as a submarine with screen doors'

My dads 2 favorite sayings

He ain't got enough sense to pour pizz out of a boot if the instructions are written on the bottom

Don't let your alligator mouth overload your spring frog behind

I'm happier than a puppy with two peckers.

"I outa go over there".... )reply) Yeah, otters outta hump beavers, but they don't.

Git outta the way and let me do it... you're just like a cub bear playin with his - - - - .

You look like you've been tryin to wash a bob cat with a wire brush, in a 5 gal bucket of gasoline.

For something thats hard-

Like running a wet noodle up a widcats azz

he's as useless as mudflaps on a turtle.

If he had another brain he'd be completely lonely

That went over like a fart during church service.

Busier than a one legged man in a butt-kickin contest.

"honey child"

"thats about as f-ed up as a bucket of one eyed minners"

"You're making more noise that a bell clapper is a gooses azz"

I'm serious as a heart attack!

That went over like a turd in a punch bowl.

She's smart as a whip.

I have heard my uncles say these.

Thats slicker than a peeled onion.

My eye(sp) teeth got in front of my tongue and I couldn't see what I was saying.

That dirty old dish rag.

I'm so confused I don't know whether I found a rope or lost my horse......!

If someones ugly: "They look like they were spoon fed with a sling shot......bless their heart"

That boy could screw up a ball bearing.

Some women can't help being ugly but they could stay home!

I feel like I've been shot at and missed and sh*t at and hit.

Ever know anyone dumb as a stump?
Blind as a bat?
Big as a barn?
Cute as a bug?
Wild as a March hair?

I may not be able to break you from staying stupid crap, but I'll make sure you flinch every time you do.

Some things never end,like wiping your arse on a wagon wheel.

What’s Up, Slick?


That’s slicker than greased goose "crap".

That’s slicker than snot on a doorknob.

Slick as snot on a goat’s glass eye.

This old truck wouldn’t pull a slick stick out of a lard bucket.

Slicker than otter snot.

As slick as cat crap on linoleum.

Slicker than a harpooned hippo on a bananna tree.

That's slicker than snot and smashed bananas.

Just a few from my youth...

Don't worry about the mule just load the wagon.
That dog won't hunt.
If you have to ask you can't afford it.
Thats as useless as ti@$ on a boar hog.
That cow ain't gonna milk herself.
When piggs fly.
I will knock you into next week.
He has enough money to burn a wet mule.
Can't never could.

Richer that 4 foot up a bulls azz!

His breath smells like he ate the butthole out of a skunk.

Tighter than a frogs puddie. And thats water tight.

Dumber than a sack of hammers.

You kids could tear up a lead ball in a rubber room.

That would go over like a fart in a space suit.

That would go over like a lead balloon.

He couldnt find his azz with both hands.

He couldnt find his azz with a garden rake.

Boy you could tear up an anvil with a rubber hammer!
Don't let your alligator mouth overload your canariy azz!

That boy could tear up a crowbar.

Barking up the wrong tree.

My wife's grandfather's favorite saying.

"As ugly as homemade soap."

Don't worry too much about it. Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag.

That boy is about as sharp as a cue ball.

You couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.

I bowed up like a Halloween Cat.

He's ridin' a gravy train on biscuit wheels.

Ain't no point in beatin' a dead horse.

I buy you books and a mule and send you to school. What do you do, but stand on the books and screw the mule.

It might not make a terd, but it's bound to push one out.

Grinnin like a possum eating [censored].

"Purdy as a June Bug"

"What burr is under your saddle?"

"Well I'll just put a bee in her bonnet."

"Hotter than the 4th of July"

Boy Howdy- you are growing like a tumbleweed, gonna have to put a rock on ya"

You're getting too big for your britches"

That's greatness!!

He's sharper than a rat turd and they're sharp on both ends.

If you're lookin for sympathy, its in the dictionary between $hit and syphilis.

My sister is soooooo ugly, we had to tie a pork chop around her
neck to get the dogs to play her.

She's purtier than a mess of fried catfish.

Hornier than a two peckered billy goat.

Her arse was so big, it looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking place.

Busier than a cat covering up crap on a concrete floor.

She could screw the horns off a billy goat.

I've been to Main ,Spain , Spokane two county fairs ,a taffy pull and a
goat f:;;
and I ain't never seen nothing like that !!

It's hotter than two rats scr;;;;; in a wool sock in July !

see-bees funny as a submarine with screen door's

My grandmother was a kind, sweet woman and as country as they come. If you managed to irritate her you might hear the following;

"Welllll kiss my old rusty and bark at the hole."

at the dinner table...."thankee for the light bread."

He's got an alligator mouth and a hummingbird a$$

Yeah and if frogs carried .45's snakes wouldn't jack with em either!

That makes about as much sence as wiping before you poop!

Beauty is only skin deep, but she's got imbedded ugly.
It's so hot here that I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.
She's so fat that when she sits around the house she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE.
He couldn't find his butt with both hands and an instruction book
He avoided eye contact like a Baptist at a liquor store.
(From when I lived in Wichita Falls)This may not be the end of the world, but you can see it from here.
(From WC Fields) "Anybody that hates cats and children can't be all bad"

Hotter than a widow woman in a pepper patch!

If you are waiting on me, your backing up.

Come on, its like a dollar waiting on a dime.

Your so ugly, your Momma fed you with a sling shot.

Busier than a one legged man in an Azz kickin contest.

I may be fat, but your Ugly and I can lose weight!

I'm so cool, that when I walked across the Mojave Desert, it turned into Glacier Park!

Your teeth is Yellow, your breath is Bad, better get out of my Face before you wish you had!

No matter where you go, there you are?

It's so hot I saw two trees fighting over a dog.

She's so ugly all the toilets flush whenever she walks by a restroom.

Busier than a one legged frog on the manure pile

He's so short the ants piss on him

That's about as funny as a porcupine in a balloon factory

Wish in one hand and poop in the other, see which fills up.

Busy as a one armed paper hanger

Busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest

he is so low he looks up to a snakes belly

"Well bless his heart" is code for: What an idiot.

it sure is.......HEY, wait a minute......

My mother used to say "Boy you aint got the sense god gave a goose!". I also never hada curfew BUT I always had to be up with my father at 5 to mend fences take care of animals etc on Saturdays. I tested it one time only and got in around 4:30 and at 5 am I heard "Off your a$$ and on your feet, outta the shade and in the heat son its gonna be a long day for you!"

Slower than an old guy with ankle weights.
Slower than a week in jail.
Slower than dial-up. (ah, what great memories, I miss that sound)
Slower than stop.
Slower than erosion.
Slower than walking in mud.
Slower than an opera.

and finally, one we can ALL relate to:
Slower than Congress.

That tractor couldn't pull a greasy string out of a cat's arse...

Slicker than a snotty door knob

I just barely do like that

I wish I could buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong

Don't let anything stop you 'cept fear and common sense

I may be slow but you're dumb

That thing is faster than bad meat through an old lady!

F#@!@d up like a chicken wire canoe

If beauty's only skin deep somebody needs to skin that gal.

That makes about as much sense as a soup sandwich

That kid's as screwed up as a left handed football bat

I thought of one more: "He's poorer than Jobes Turkey."

Boy your Barking up the wrong tree.

Beauty is only skin deep....But ugly goes to the bone!!!

So ugly she could make a train jump the track..

So country that her breath smelled like cord wood!

Lived so far out in the country that every evening the sun would knock a brick off the chimney.

Looks like they climbed a tree to get an ugly stick....and the whole tree came down on em.

Hold her Vern she smells alalfa!

Nuttin like a corn fed country girl!

Dumber than a sack of dog S**t!

So drunk he couldn't hit a bull in the azz with a bass fiddle!

So drunk that his stumbler is broke.

When it comes to boobies... im a sucker!!!!!!!

Hard!!! hell boy third grade was hard... now get yer butt to work!

So dumb he could mess up a mustard sammich!

Just a few from where i come from.

Slicker-en owl sh#$
S&*ts more than a pet coon
best thing you can do is leave me the f%&* alone
Don't bother that boy he might tell you the truth
hold my beer and watch this.
don't say oops i know what i mean when I sat oops.
hit him again before he gets up.
ducks on a june bug and flys on sh%&
like pissin up a rope
attitude adjustments are free you don't have to ask for it
I'll stay here, sounds like work

whoooop....I've heard most of those, but THAT is some funny ..you know what.

stouter than Aunt Hattie's breath.
Harder than a Cadillac axle.
Goofier than a runover dog.
Legs so long, she could f@#t in a Martin box.
So ugly you could stop an eight day clock.

Caint couldnt sh$$ and died of constipation .

From my dad-
* I don't know him from Adam
* worthless as t!t$ on a boar hog
From my paw paw

* off your a$$ and on you're feet. Out the shade and in the heat.
* K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Stupid
From my boss
* boy, you could f#@& up a wet dream
* yall are like a couple of monkeys trying to f#@& a football/doorknob

Hotter than a well digger's butthole.
Hotter than 2 squirrels screwin' in a wool sock in August.

If I tell you a pissant can pull a Peterbuilt you better hook it up.

your so ugly,we have to hang a porkchop around your neck to get the puppys to play with you.

I could walk a mile if you'd carrie me back.

(About a woman walking away)..
"Looks like two cats fighting in a tote sack"
Poor as a churchmouse
Uglier than homemade soap
Slow as Christmas
Hotter than a firecracker
"His mind is made up - don't confuse him with the facts"
The fishing's so good we have to hide behind a tree to bait the hook
This room's so small I have to go outside to change my mind
"I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken" (My favorite quote from an old boss)

His breath is so bad he could make an onion cry!

I would love to help you but I just can't fix stupid
If I tell you it's Christmas on the 4th of July hang a stocking
I'm so broke I had to j$&@ off the dog to feed the cat

Crazier than a rat in a tin shat house.

Every time you open your mouth I feel stupider.

Go ask your mother.

My Moms favorite country sayin

Just wait till I get you home boy.

Something I heard fairly often growing up;

"Boy, you could tear up a steel ball, with a rubber hammer, in a padded room."

"If your aunt had nuts she'd be your uncle!"

"That thing is hotter than a two-peckered billy goat!"

"That boy could tear up a steel ball with a rubber mallet!"

"More screwed up than a soup sandwich!"

My cousins and me were pretty wild and my grandma would say

" I'm going knock a lung out of you "
" I'm going slap the fire out of you "

My aunt would threaten to " hair lip you " I didn't know what it meant at the time but it sure scared me!!

And we were always told if we were barefoot that " y'all are going get screwworms "

Quit f*&^%ing around boy, you're pixxin' on the wheels of progress.

She's so good looking, I bet her farts smell like cupcakes.

If you was any dumber you'd be the president.

That fits like a tube sock on a rooster.

She was red on the head like the noodle on a poodle.

Shakin' like a dog trying to sh%$ a peach seed.

I'm fixin ta make you fly, boy.

I'm gonna beat your axx so hard you'll have to call the fire department to put it out.

You ever notice how mad a chicken gets if you try to put that egg back in?

Wait 'til you daddy gets home, you'll be begging me to whip you. (from my momma).

You can either take a spankin' like a man or listen to your momma bitch for the next two weeks! (dad)

A politician ain't nuthin' more than a thief with a nice suit.

Don't crap in your own back yard.

Boy, I like a challenge, but if I'd known what I was in for with you, I'da cut my nuts off before I took your momma out. (Thanks dad!)

Hot Chick = I'd smell a mile of her farts just to see where they came from.

"That boy could tear up a crowbar in the desert"

"I'm gonna hit you so hard, your grandkids are gonna have a headache"

Waking somebody up in the morning:"GET UP AND GO PISS,YOUR WORLD IS ON FIRE"

I'm so broke I cant even pay attention.

I'll bounce you so high they'll have to shoot you to keep you from starving to death.

Thicker than flies on a bulls azz
Slower than molasis in winter time

Now we're cooking with Oil!!


Your heart better belong to God cuz the rest of you belongs to me!!

"That boy is dumb as a post"

"Boy, you could screw up Christmas"

"...smaller than a tickturd"

"You're all aces today"

"Well, spank my @ss and call me Shirley"

I actually used this on on my boy recently: "Excuses are like azz holes, everybody has one and nobody wants to hear yours."

Talking about big women...
She was so big she burns diesel.
She is so big she can kick start a 747.
She is so big, she has a WIDE LOAD sign on her butt.

I'll hit you so hard your grand kids will be born dizzy.

He's so old the ocean wasn't full when he was born.

He's as useless as tits on a chicken.

From my grandmother, a kind and gentle woman most of the time, and a bit earthy the rest of the time.

"Well, you can kiss my ole Rusty and bark at the hole."

I always heard it as "Excuses are like azz holes, everybody has one and most of the time they stink"

put some hair around it so you can find it

Is a frogs a** watertight?

That'll gag low flyin buzzards

It'll draw buzzards off a gut wagon.

Couldn't find his a** if it didn't have a smell to it

Stronger than stud horse piss with the foam farted off it

So tight you couldn't drive a sixteen penny nail up his a@@ with a sledge hammer.

smell so thick you could cut it with a knife.

"Kiss my old rusty and bark at the hole!"

Still the best one on here!

Its raining like a cow peain on a flat rock.
Colder than a witches teaty.
Sweating like a hoar in church.
Purty as a Georgia peach.
Kick yore arse so high, the birds will build a nest in it before it hits the ground.
He hit me so hard, my grandkids felt it.
Knock you in the middle of next week.
Sheating in high cotton.
Got a long row to hoe.
He was so big, he looked like he had a rocking chair on his head.
She screamed like a mountain lion.
He is tighter than Dicks hatband.
Drunker than Cudar Brown.
We drank enough beer to float a battleship.
He's deader than a hammer.
Dont bogart that joint.
and Tarzans last words --- "Who greased the grapevines."
Your cruising for a bruising.
Lower than whale sh--.
Smarter than a whip.
Rougher than a cob.

Forgot one:
I wouldnt pizz in his arse if his guts were on fire.

"He's so low that the cojones on a snake would look like a couple of sky scrapers"

Crazy as a crap house rat
Sweating like a whore in church

Describing a Woman w/ a big chest- walking towards you:

"Looked like 2 hogs fighting over an apple in a Gunny Sack"

or She's soooo Ugly that she would make a "Freight train take a dirt road".

or "If your Aunt had nuts she would be your Uncle"

or "If grasshoppers had machine guns, bird's wouldn't F@*# w/ them"

or It's Hotter than "Young Love" or It's Hotter than 2 rats making love in a Wool sock!!

I'll kick your arsh so hard you will have to part your hair to crap.

Worthless as teats on a boar hog.

*Ugly as a mud fence.

*I've got to pee so bad I can taste it.

*She thinks she pizzes perfume.

*Like selling your mule to buy a plow.

*I wish he had a feather up his arse and I had his truck. Then we'd both be tickled.

Her face is as course as a peanut patty.

" Well slap the dawg and spit in the fire ! "

Thats abut as worthless as tits on a boar hog!

That looks like a gnats [censored] sowed up with a grapevine

I'm so tired last night I went to bed hungry, and went to the supper table with a hard on

Worthless as balls on a priest.

That boy could screw up a mustard sandwich

That gal fell out of the ugly tree and hit every limb on the way down

Its not very long but it sure is skinny

As much fun as playing fetch with a blind dog

Hotter than a goat peeking in the window while you and momma are doing it.

Like watching a dog chase his tail (nascar)

That dog wouldn't know what to do with that car if he caught it.

That boy is slower than wet gun powder

Its dryer than a powderhouse

Its so dry the catfish got ticks on them.

Its so hot I saw a sparrow pull a worm out of the ground and he was using a pot holder.

That gal aint got enough clothes on to cover a jack rabbitt

That gals so bucktoothed she could eat corn thru a picket fence.

That gal's as cross eyed as a bat

He would rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.

Keep your screwing around 3 creeks crossed

I am so broke if it cost a nickel to crap I would have to throw up

I feel like I have been ate by a wolf and sh-- off a cliff

I feel like I was shot at and missed and sh*t at and hit.
The fish were biting so good you had to hide behind a tree to bait your hook.
It was so hot I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.
If I known I was going to live so long, I would have taken better care of myself.
First liar never has a chance.
The early bird may get the worm, but he second rat gets the cheese.

Was digging post-holes with my Dad once and it started to rain a bit. I thought we'd knock off and go inside. He said, "Where you going? Sugar melts, salt melts, but you're ok. Turds float."

Your uglier than a sack full of arsholes!